fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
