We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
