I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
