I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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