I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
