im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
