my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
