i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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