My sheets look like a crime scene.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
