im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
