Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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