I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
