I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
