Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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