Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm at about main and main street
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
