I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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