I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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