he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
He passed out mid-signature
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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