I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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