i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
When are your genitals available?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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