And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
