my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
