The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
