I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
