He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I am mentally ready for anal.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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