Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My life is pants optional.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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