her vagina looked like bernie madoff
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
