My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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