Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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