We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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