Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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