I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Dick very happy bro
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
