I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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