i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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