You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
