the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
What a dumb baby whore.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
