dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
