So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
either way he was missing a nipple.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
