I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
