david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I touched a dick in church today
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
