You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
