my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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