and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
