My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
