Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I love you.
Bad choice
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
