i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
