why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
