I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
