Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
