tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
how drunk are you?
Several
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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